Oh crrraaaap!  I just watched CRAZY STUPID LOVE…and cried at the end.  Yeah, I’m that girl…ugh! Now, I will say, Steve Carell was not as annoying as I usually find him (I can’t do stupid, and I find his brand of comedy stupid), and well, DAMN! That Ryan Gosling fellow has some amazing abs…er, whole flipping body!  If you haven’t watched it yet, it’s not bad…no spoilers, I promise.  The whole movie revolves around the premise that everyone has a soul mate…and as usual in all of those romantic comedies out there, it all works out for everyone involved in the end.  Well, la di fucking dah! 

I used to believe in soul mates…just like I was never having sex before marriage…just like I used to think that there is good in everyone…just like everyone is supposed to live “happily ever after.”   ….RIIIIIGHT….

I know that marriage is not always syrupy sweet, kissy faces, over the moon all the time; really, I do know that.  I keep hearing that pregnancy is not as wonderful as I imagined; and well, I still think that growing a human inside you has got to be pretty stinking amazing. 

But, I digress.  So, where the hell are these men out there that, oh, I don’t know, don’t  lie their faces off to you?  Despite all of the movies out there, I’m finding it harder and harder to believe that there are any good, solid, honest guys out there…or guys that can be reformed into that anyway.

So, tell me, where is my flipping soul mate?  Where was he when my first serious boyfriend couldn’t handle being alone, and while I was a measly 2 ½ hours away, searching and searching for a job that would get me back down to Pittsburgh with him, he started dating someone else?  Where was he when I couldn’t pick myself up off the floor, couldn’t eat, couldn’t function because the man I loved betrayed me so? 

Where was my soul mate when a few years later, that guy’s cousin made my heart melt, only to stomp on it once again? Where was my soul mate, when for four years, I was so very angry and bitter because of The Chad’s antics?  Where was he?  He wasn’t holding me, that’s for sure!  He wasn’t there to listen or comfort me either!  He wasn’t there to prove to me that not all men are lying assholes, was he?  Nope!

Now, before you label me as a bitter hag that just needs to get laid, let me tell you, I broke that 14month drought about a month ago, and have had more sex in that time than the last 4 years combined.  Is he my soul mate? Fuck no! He’s simply a distraction for me; someone to have some fun with, while at the same time allowing me to avoid dealing with my most recent heartache.  Yeah, I know, probably not the most healthy way to handle things, but to be honest, right now, I don’t really give a rats ass!

So, why, why, why, in spite of everything that has happened to me, in spite of all of these god-awful misadventures in dating, all the heartbreak, why do I still deep down hope that my soul mate is out there?  And even though I do hope so, why do I do absolutely NOTHING to try to meet him?  I mean, c’mon, he’s not going to just randomly knock on my door, right?  It’s not going to be that easy!  Yet, more often than not, that’s where you’ll find me; home, alone, and hugging my pillow as I try to fall asleep, instead of putting me in any kind of situation that I could possibly meet new people.  But, can you blame me?  I don’t want to go through the heartache again; this most recent situation, which I have yet to discuss in depth, almost killed me!  I spent months and months slowly pulling down the walls around me, showing and telling him, being more honest with him than I’ve been with any other man(and yes, I wasted a “man” on him…I normally refer to them as boys!) in my life, trusting him with a piece of my heart, only to have him do the same as all the rest!  I may talk a good game, and act like I can handle anything and everything that people and life throw at me, but it is mostly a ruse, something I hide behind.  I am only human; I do bleed, I do grieve, I do hurt, I do anger, I do love…more than I should I suppose.  I’m wondering now, is the only man that will ever understand that, that will understand me, respect me enough not to leave me broken, bitter, and angry, and oh so alone…is he out there?  Is there such thing as a soul mate?  It does not have to be all puppy dog, mushy, lovey dovey shit, really, I can only handle so much of that anyway.  Just someone to share my life with, my hopes, my dreams, my disappointments, my secrets, my crazy off the wall thoughts that sometimes run amok, and not judge me for it?  *sigh*  Yes, deep down, I am that girl…apparently, I’m a glutton for punishment, and I want to believe in humanity…and again, I say, crrraaaap!  :-S

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